By Tony Hicks
Contra Costa Times
Posted: 11/06/2009 01:00:00 AM PST
Updated: 11/06/2009 07:14:15 AM PST
Sarah Palin is going on a three-week tour this month, promoting her new book "Going Rogue."
Sadly, she's skipping us namby-pamby, latte-slurping, plastic-bag-recycling, no-declawing-our-cats, liberal fruit bats here in California. Which, when you think about it, isn't very rogue at all.
No stops are planned in such big population areas as Seattle and Philadelphia either, where voters tend to be Democrats. Unless her book sales depend on voter registration percentages, that just doesn't compute, since there's easily more conservatives who would buy her book two at a time in the Bay Area and Los Angeles than places like Grand Rapids, Mich.
Never mind for a second that, a bit more than a year ago, this lovely woman from the great state of Alaska (it is, really, I've been there — try the salmon) aspired to represent and serve us all as vice president, and will likely try to do so again as a presidential candidate. If she wants to spread the Grand Old Party's word in a book, wouldn't it make sense not to worry about preaching to the conservative choir in Noblesville, Ind.; Washington, Pa.; and Rochester, N.Y. and go after some of us plant-kissers?
Palin can't be that worried about not being liked. Not if she's going on that commie Oprah Winfrey's show Nov. 16.
We need to build a case for Palin to come and see us in California, where we have a lot of respect for hot grandmas. There are a couple ways to do this. Either we convince her "Going Rogue" could be a morbid curiosity among some Democrats who secretly yearn to learn how to gut a moose. Or we make her feel welcome by demonstrating there are more than enough conservatives here to make the trip worthwhile (apparently no one from HarperCollins has ever been to Danville).
As a fan of airing various viewpoints (i.e., democracy), I prefer the latter. Let's make Sarah Palin feel welcome by reminding her that, according to last year's election, California doesn't like gay marriage either.
Let's remind her we have a Republican governor who used to kill people in movies. And a lot of these people, suspiciously, looked like Middle Eastern terrorists.
Speaking of Republican governors and quality filmmaking, doesn't she realize California has a Ronald Reagan library?
Like Alaska, we have oil wells in Southern California. And we can decimate a salmon population with the best of 'em.
Her tour stops at Fort Bragg in North Carolina. If that's her demographic, we have 27 military bases in California, including six in and around San Diego, which is really nice this time of year. They have a great zoo and a 1,800-acre park full of wild animals where, maybe if she asks nicely, they'd let her shoot a few.
She's going to Michigan, where she and running mate John McCain lost to President Obama last year. Among the reasons her book rep Tina Andreadis gave for going to Grand Rapids was that "Barnes & Noble has a great store there."
What, we don't have great Barnes & Nobles in California? We have one in Pleasant Hill that's so big I lost one of my kids there in July and I still haven't found her.
We even have our own bridge to nowhere that, like Palin and her bridge, some Californians were in favor of it before they were against it. We call it the new Bay Bridge which, when stuff stops falling off it, should be complete around the time we all have hovercars to get across the Bay.
California is big enough, and diverse enough, to welcome Sarah Palin with open wallets "... if she'd only be rogue enough to give us a chance.
Reach Tony Hicks at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Read his blog, "Insert Foot," at www.ibabuzz.com/insertfoot.